'Two things fill the mind with ever-increasing wonder and awe, the more often and the more intensely the mind of thought is drawn to them: the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me.' -Immanuel Kant, Critique of Practical Reason

Santa Is a Mushroom

by Ethan Glover, Sun, Dec 21, 2014 - (Edited) Sat, Dec 30, 2017

Old St. Nick

The following facts are based on true stories as told by Wikipedia.

Most people say that Saint Nicholas, the Bishop of Myra, originated the idea of Santa Claus. During his time, homeless people would often use shoes to collect change.

St. Nick, as a joke, would steal their shoes and put them on someone's doorstep a few blocks away. Some interpreted old shoes full of loose change as a gift… those were bad times.

That's not the only misinterpretation of the holy man's actions. He would often ride a sleigh through town, tearing up the roads. Many people would see this and exclaim,"Holy shit!"

The tone-deaf writers of history interpreted this as, "Sant Ni Chas" and later misspelled it as "Santy Claus."

Some of Nicholas' other "deeds" included gutting out loaves of bread and selling them at full price. (Interpreted as a miracle.)

He sometimes stood outside of young maidens windows every night for years on end, throwing purses at their windows. (Interpreted as keeping them away from prostitution, rather than encouraging it.)

He also created zombie children. (Interpreted as bringing them back to life.)

Because nobody laughed at his jokes, but instead celebrated him as a Saint, Nicholas decided to end his life by praying. It worked.

Ironically, after his death some people began to realize the humorous life Nicholas had lived. Thus began the game of "get Nicks body."

The game became an internationally viral phenomenon. People would steal the Saints body, often twice a week and transfer it somewhere else.

Today, his body lies in his home in Myra. No one knows who broke his nose; we're pretty sure the Turks did it, but they haven't owned up to it.

It doesn't matter now because Saint Nick's body rests safely and continues to secrete a magical manna as it has done for 1,600 years.

Yearly, holy men hand this manna out to children. Drinking it allegedly makes them immune to various zombie diseases.

Also he was black.

Through these stories and the slow influence of time, we have the folklore of Santa Claus that we know today.

The Real Story

Alright, let's get real. Nothing above is true. The real Santa Claus was a mushroom.

Gather around boys and girls, for I'm about to tell you the true story of Christmas time. Not some bullshit plagiarized 1823 poem about an overrated creeper Saint.

Many years ago, in ancient Scandinavian societies, people believed in the "World Tree." This tree sat on a cosmic axis; its roots reached clear down to the underworld, and its trunk called "middle earth."

Above this tree sat the North Star. The star, they believed, sat at a fixed point in the sky, and the rest would revolve around it.

Beneath this world tree, and beneath other conifer and birch trees in Scandinavia and Siberia, one could find red and white mushrooms. Today we call them amanita muscaria.

Locals would often gather up these mushrooms and place them on the leaves of the trees to dry them in the sun, or put them in a sock and hang them over a fire.

Of course, with a caramelized populace doing shrooms all day, ‘rulers' thought to ban the practice of consuming the muscaria. This didn't stop the practice of course.

Instead, shamans would dress up as mushrooms and sneak around at night with bags full of the stuff. During the winter solstice, snow often blocked the doorways of people's teepees, and the shamans would have to go through their tops.

As the practice grew, so too did its significance. Users of the muscaria started taking trips with their spirit animals.

Because reindeer are rampant in the area, and already enjoyed getting blitzed on the stuff, they became the go to animal to fly with.

One of the funnest stories of reindeer's getting caned survives even today. The story goes, a particular reindeer named Rudolph was so baked; he couldn't get the mushroom in his mouth. Instead, it stuck on his nose and all the other reindeer and Siberian elves laughed and banned him from the games.

And now you might ask,"You've explained the tree (mushrooms grew under it), the star (the holy point over the world tree), the presents (the mushrooms), Santa's clothes (the murshrooms), the chimney (the tops of teepees), the reindeer (they were there), Rudolph (there's a mushroom on his nose), and the north pole (Siberia). But what about the sleigh?"

To this I say, the shamans rode them. Didn't you watch the video? Go to bed children.

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